TEETERING…LOU…ENTER COCAINE AND THE DEVIL…

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Around the time I really started getting into coke I immediately gave up my future. The family I would have had, my piano career, and believe it or not a modeling career. I won a scholarship to a popular modeling agency but I could not be bothered. I gave it to my friend who introduced me to the coke dealer guy. She was not really model material so nothing really happened with that. My friend faltered but she righted herself. I dove in. At first we were only snorting but man there was a lot of coke. Where there is coke there are whores. I did not suffer this shit. Now you might say I resemble that remark but you would be wrong. This man and I actually became close. Later in our relationship he had to wear a body cast and I worked all day and took care of him. We solved all of the nastiness that came with the coke territory. I worked at my parents office and came home at lunch so he could use the restroom. I bathed him, fed him, took him to the doctor, or accompanied him. Everything and that my friend’s is a very humbling experience. There is one chick he fucked I know. Before the whole body cast. I was in California and she answered my phone. And it actually bothered me. That is fucking laughable. I’m on the beach who gives a fuck. This is what happened to that chick. She would sit down at her house and do crack. She would get it from us sometime. I mean I don’t really say this but I was way hotter. It is that cocaine breeds girls who will do anything to get it. Anything, anywhere. She used to give blow jobs to men at a local bar for money. One shot her dead. And then she didn’t live down the street anymore. And I didn’t care. However, until then we lived a more very unrealistic life. This man travelled between Arizona and California. He was from the South and talked and acted like it. Let us just say you do not fuck him over. OK. I feel safe. I was so ignorant I did not see the imminent danger to my person. I mistakenly thought I was safe. People all around me were dying why would I be safe? Who is going to stop a bullet or an overdose? As hard as it is to believe I never O.D.‘D on cocaine. I just did it until my body could not stay awake. Usually around three days. Also, there is a lot of coke. We snorted for a while and then we started smoking. I started smoking with the Italian bastard so there was less snorting and more smoking. Which is mostly scary beyond all reason. You have to monitor your hit so it is not too big, not to mention you really don’t know the strength or what it’s cut with, and if you focus hard for a few minutes while you’re head is ringing and you’re heart is pounding maybe you won’t have a heart attack. Maybe you have had a heart attack and you just don’t know it. All of this on some level is pleasant so continue to try and emulate that same first hit for three days. It is true that with coke in any form you are chasing the initial high. Not that you do not get high just not the same. You are really higher than a fucking kite. You can rarely be seen in public. Sometimes you do not bathe, eat, or drink. You crack your knuckles until they are swollen and sore but then you get up and get high and start it all over. Sex? Oh, it was fun the first many times you snorted and were still in control. After that? Who wants sex? I cannot focus or think and I think people are following me. Sometimes they really are. I do not desire to give someone a four hour blow job thank you very much. Can’t we just fuck and get it over with? I only slept with one guy at a party because I felt obligated not because he pressured me. Usually everyone was doing coke so I was only with two guys long term that did it. Now would I have ever been with Lou otherwise? Not in a million fucking years. Did I love him by the time we were done. Yes, very much.